the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
i'm invisible now.
the fallen saint left at 10:07 pm
the hype of february 14 is approaching again; people ask how you spent your previous years' and with whom.
the fallen saint left at 10:49 pm
i have to address the recent temperamental fluctuations; i cannot allow things to continue freefalling.
the fallen saint left at 12:05 am
sometimes when things don't turn out the way you want them to, you can't help but start to look within.
the fallen saint left at 11:44 pm
the first official item i spent my first pay on: mezz cue, $899.
the fallen saint left at 10:00 pm
my first accident of the year.
the fallen saint left at 10:12 pm
i'm starting to worry; there are too many things i want to do, and still far too little money to fund it. and i don't like to stall on my plans.
the fallen saint left at 11:45 pm
every day i wonder at the efficiency of some organizations and how the level of customer service is directly related to consumer civility. in every society, consumers will blame whoever that's taking their money, for anything and everything that can go wrong. no matter how innocent the organization may be, as long as it's charging consumers even for something not related to the problem, fingers will point in its direction.
the fallen saint left at 10:45 pm
it feels worse than the first day of school; for the past week i've been dragging myself out of bed and in the shower. work-induced lethargy can be so overwhelming sometimes. i would quit, but the money's just too damn good.
the fallen saint left at 8:49 pm
the fallen saint left at 10:10 am
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
into hiding
i don't want to talk to anyone tonight.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
pity
and to be honest, i don't remember.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
terms and conditions
it is a pity that people may not warm to me at first glance, or vice versa - i could never figure out what the cause of this was, but i've since stopped trying to change myself and my approach to others. i'm not claiming this is the best way to go and that i'm proud of it. i'm trying to analyse, and then stop.
given how my human interactions work, understandably i'll have fewer friends than others who have a friendlier persona - or perceivably so, anyway. yet, through this, i do have a handful of close friends in whom i can confide on an intimate level and be brutally honest with. it's safe to say i am constantly aware of my relationship with every individual - i don't consciously judge people, but at the end of the day, to know who i can talk to and who i can't, involves a certain degree of judgement too.
i don't know if this is normal, but this is me. i am invincible and vulnerable, clear-headed and befuddled, fearless and afraid all at once. slow down, wild child. was what they always said.
never mind if i never find companionship, never mind if i was meant to always have different confidants from time to time. i was never one to stay in one place for long, and so perhaps this path is indeed appropriate for my character and circumstance. maybe one day as we go along, i'll be reduced to speaking to a statuette. or figurine. or pet. or i could turn schizophrenic, which isn't half bad if i can hold a conversation with an imaginary friend for hours on end.
no matter what, i am thankful for the friends who talk to me now, whom i can surround myself with in joyous chatter, but also i will not be criminal in neglecting those who have left behind their footsteps previously. i don't think names are necessary, because you and i know that you made a change in my life, and that's enough credit to you.
old friends are welcome anytime- the door is not shut on you. critics and enemies can take a queue number, and i will get back to you shortly.
Monday, January 22, 2007
question marks
what is right and what is wrong; or is there no distinction between the two?
throw me in the fire, let the flames lick my skin - maybe then will i learn a thing or two.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
first buy
well done alex. now you can eat at hawker centres every day until your next pay cheque comes in.
Monday, January 15, 2007
wow
my pull up bar at the doorway slipped while i was holding onto it and i landed knees-first on the floor.
i guess it couldn't support my weight any longer.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
financial management
argh.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
stop the rot
i pay you, you take my money, you solve my problem.
customers are disinformed by outsourced sales agents compelled to meet quotas; consumers living in their own world of delusion and/or illusion blame everyone but themselves for not reading the papers and therefore missing out on freebies; companies are charging for every single damn piece of plastic, gesture, cough and fart.
anyone can point fingers at anyone, but the bottom line is that if you never bothered to see the big picture, then you don't really have much of a case to defend yourself with.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
this tiredness
and i helped out to wash the car this evening when i got back from work. fair enough, since i drive it too these days, i should have a stake in maintaining it as well. it just dawned on me that in future when i get my own car - as long as it's a european make and brutally aggressive - i will have to wash, polish and care for it myself. i never really asked myself how ferrari owners cared for their 'wives', but then one doesn't really have to ask; would you let anyone else care for yours?
and this season, just this season, chelsea has made me a supporter of manchester united.
lastly, i'm waiting for january 15. please come soon.
Monday, January 01, 2007
countdown at a certain mr teo's
spent the night back with some classmates from junior college. it's a warm feeling, to see one another again after graduation and all that. there's always this special thing about get-togethers which i could never really explain; through the years people change, but in spite of that, they never really seem to.
i'm perfectly sober.
when the alcohol has gone and light returns to the day, it's not the event that stays in the mind; rather, it is those little idiosyncracies, the tiny gestures and habitual self-jack moments which truly bring a smile to my face every time i reminisce.
while everyone is pursuing his or her dreams, it's heartening to know that people still care to meet up regularly. if only we could say the same for more people we know.